I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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