last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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