That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she woke up with a sticky ear
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize