either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just took my morning after pill in the library
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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