Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
