tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
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