The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
