and you said cock pushups were impossible
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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