seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
