I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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