Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
