Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
