Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
