i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
