Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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