I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
