halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The best revenge is premature balding
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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