You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
