So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Randomize
