dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
