I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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