weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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