I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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