Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
