glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize