Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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