Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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