Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
