yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
