i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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