Cold hands, warm shart.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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