How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
