there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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