here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
