If i come over, it means nothing
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
