And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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