seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
