literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Alive.
So much puke
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
