Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
