you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
