4 words: hood of his car
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
