Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize