Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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