I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
