If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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