hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
