piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
