You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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