I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
