A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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