I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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