if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
