96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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