Me. At least after what I've been through.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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