Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
