I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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