Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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