So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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