god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think im going to throw up on grandma
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
