I'm jealous of your bromance
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize