Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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