Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
