you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
