Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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