Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I puked a lego.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
